Of Elrond Sues and Celebrían
by The Ladies of Arda
Summary: Sick of all the Mary Sues messing with her family, Celebrían comes back to Middle-earth to deal with them all.


A/N: Hoya, folks! Celebrían is spiffy. ^_^ Lots of people don't know who she is, namely people who haven't read the books. *cough cough* Anyhoo, she's Elrond's wife and Arwen's mother. She was attacked by orcs in the Misty Mountains and passed into the west soon after. She is not dead, dammit! The Sues in this story are only BASED on real Sues... mwuhahahahaha. Can't sue me for that! Special thanks goes to Lothi for helping me out with the title, as well as beta read for me. ^_^ She goes!

Anyhoo...

Of Elrond 'Sues and Celebrían 

**~~~~~**

"You really are one in a million, Nifferlifferellarai, daughter of Galadriel," said Elrond. "Not only did you destroy the One Ring and defeat Sauron once and for all, but you saved Gandalf from the balrog in Moria, and managed to foil Aragorn's evil plan to steal the Ring and convinced Arwen to marry Legolas, who is much more right for my lovely daughter."

"It was nothing," Nifferlifferellarai blushed. "If I hadn't received another, good One Ring from my mother, I couldn't have done any of that."

"And you're so talented with a sword, and an excellent archer at that."

"Well, I _am_ half-unicorn..."

"There must be some way I can thank you," said Elrond, smiling. 

Nifferlifferellarai's purple and silver eyes glittered, matching perfectly with her blonde hair and flawless face. Elrond thought she was very beautiful. He leaned in to kiss her. Their lips were just about to meet, when...

A large pillow came into contact with Nifferlifferellarai's head, and she fell to the ground. Another blonde elf-maiden jumped on top of her and started beating her with the pillow. "I'M NOT DEAD! STOP MAKING MY HUSBAND CHEAT ON ME!" The pillow came to rest on Nifferlifferellarai's face, where the elf-maiden was holding it down. 

Nifferlifferellarai struggled, making muffled sounds from under the pillow. Eventually, she calmed down, and the noises stopped. 

Elrond blinked, and it seemed that a dense fog was lifted from his eyes. "Celebrían?" he said, astonished.

The blonde elf-maiden stood up and smiled. "Hello, Elrond."

Elrond blinked again, still not believing his eyes. "Celebrían? You're supposed to be in Valinor!"

"Valinor?" said Celebrían. "How can I stay in Valinor when I have dozens of sisters and daughters spawning all over the place, my husband is being seduced by Mary Sues, and my sons are being blatantly ignored?"

Elladan and Elrohir popped back into existence, and Arwen also appeared. "Mother?" Elrohir asked. "What are you doing here?"

"To stop those wretched Mary Sues from messing with _my_ family," Celebrían answered. 

"But – " Before Elrond could finish his sentence, he found himself being kissed by Celebrían. Their children blinked and slowly backed out of the room.

Nifferlifferellarai sat up and blinked. Celebrían, still snogging Elrond, grabbed a dagger and stabbed it through Nifferlifferellarai's heart. "Ai!" said the Sue, and promptly died.

Elrond pulled away. "Did you hear something?" he asked Celebrían.

"No," said Celebrían simply. She stroked Elrond's hair, and was about to kiss him again, when her hand hit something on the back of his head. She pulled it out. "Love," she said. "Why do you have a butterfly clip in your hair?"

****

**_~~~~~~_**

****

**_Mary Sue #1: The Elrond 'Sue_**

****

Elrond removed his clothes and slipped into bed. He thought of Myllianë. She was Gil-galad's daughter, and he had been instructed to care for her while her father was away, teach her sword-fighting, and find her a husband. Find her a husband... Elrond knew Gil-galad would be pleased if Elrond married Myllianë. He had mentioned it several times. But Elrond had never thought about it. He had never seen the child... until now. He had never realized how beautiful she was, how bright her eyes were, or how long and full her lovely blonde hair was. 

           Celebrían watched her husband from outside his room, fuming. Another 'Sue had overtaken Imladris. "Daughter of Gil-galad?" she muttered, shaking her head. "Elrond and Gil-galad fought _together_ in the Last Alliance, and Gil-galad passed. He never married or had any heir!" she let out a frustrated scream. "Why do you think he was the _Last_ High King of the Noldor?"

           Celebrían stopped muttering to herself and thought for a bit. Her plan was to kill Myllianë straight away, so she wouldn't be interrupted by one of those meddling servants that seemed to appear along with the Mary Sues. But her moment of thought proved her well. As long as the wench was here, why didn't she have a little bit of fun first?

           She began to walk silently through Rivendell, until she found what she _assumed_ to be Myllianë's room. Celebrían crawled through the window and crept to the bed. Reaching for the girl's hair, she lifted a long section and sliced it off with a dagger, she held it up victoriously, and was about to chop off another section when she realized something. 

           The hair was black.

           Wasn't Myllianë's hair blonde?

           Celebrían looked down in horror at Arwen sleeping peacefully, with a large chunk of her hair missing. 

           She slapped her forehead in frustration. "Of course," she whispered to herself. "Myllianë's coming must have shifted the rooms around." Celebrían looked down at her daughter. "Sorry, Arwen," she said, and laid the hair where it would have been, had it still been connected to the rest. Then she quietly left the room. 

           After searching for hours, Celebrían finally looked upon a sleeping Myllianë. Grinning evilly, she reached down and began jaggedly cutting her hair.

           Celebrían learned the next morning that Myllianë was going to go to her first sword-fighting lesson when she was awoken by the Sue's scream.

           "My _hair! _My _hair!_"

           Elrond had rushed in to tend to the young elf, trying to calm her down. "Hush," he said softly. "You can't be in this state for your sword-fighting lesson, can you?"

           It was the first time Celebrían was face-to-face with Myllianë, save during the haircut. Elrond had brought her, and, seeing Celebrían (whom he didn't recognize) looked around. "Where's Tharion?" he asked.

           "Tharion", who was supposed to be Myllianë's instructor, was badly injured and unconscious in a bush nearby. Celebrían shrugged. "He couldn't make it today," she said. "He had... other business to attend to."

           Elrond nodded. "Well, then, Myllianë, this elf-maiden here..."

           "Celebrían." She didn't bother to use a fake name. Elrond didn't know who she really was anyways.

           "...This maiden, Celebrían, will be your instructor today. If you don't mind," he added, sitting on a stump, "I would like to oversee these first few lessons."

           "Very well," said Celebrían said, and picked up her formidable looking sword. She saw the look of terror on Myllianë's face as she held her own sword in a defensive stance. 

           Celebrían lunged at her, but the Sue blocked her attack. She twitched, annoyed. Trying to catch Myllianë off guard, she said, "You have good reflexes," in a friendly tone.

           "Thank you," said Myllianë, lowering her sword for a moment.

           Celebrían seized this opportunity and drove the sword deep into Myllianë's body.

           Myllianë let out a strangled gasp and collapsed to the ground, clutching the blade that protruded from her chest.

           "You're supposed to teach her, not kill her!" cried Elrond, jumping up from his stump, and stopping suddenly. The dense fog seemed to lift from his eyes again, and he shook his head. He looked from the now-dead Myllianë to Celebrían for a while, until it finally dawned on him.

           "Not another Mary Sue?" he said.

           Celebrían nodded. "Don't worry, I'm not going to hold you responsible for your actions." She gave him a quick kiss. "I'm off to Lórien. It seems I have a sister to kill. Farewell." She pulled the sword from Myllianë's body and wiped the blood off on the grass. Celebrían sheathed the blade and started towards the Golden Wood.

**_~~~~~_**

Mary Sue #2: The Daughter of Galadriel 

           Laurelin, the only child of the Lady Galadriel and the Lord Celeborn, sat on her throne with her black hair falling messily, yet beautifully, around her.

And Celebrían was watching, just as she had had watched Elrond many nights before, only this time, in a bush. She was going to enjoy killing this Sue, oh Elbereth, yes.

           Three hobbits, two of them holding the third, and an elf bustled into the palace that had popped up in Lothlórien. Celebrían could already guess which one would fall for Laurelin.

           "I hate that name," she said, shuddering. "She's named after a _tree_, for Eru's sake..."

           "There has been an attack on the borders of Lórien!" announced the elf, Legolas. 

           "How did you manage to survive?" asked Laurelin, her eyes wide. 

           "The Rohirrim were nearby," Legolas explained. "If it wasn't for them, we would have fared much worse."

           "Hah!" laughed Celebrían from her bush. "Like the Rohirrim would trust us enough to even go near Lothlórien."

           "I must speak with your father at once," continued Legolas. "And your mother can heal this hobbit."

           "They are not here," said Laurelin gravely. "But fear not! I, like my mother, have healing powers. Bring me the hobbit!"

           Celebrían began banging her head on a nearby tree.

           Legolas took the hobbit and brought him to Laurelin. "His name is Frodo Baggins."

           "_The_ Frodo Baggins?" asked Laurelin. "The Ring bearer?"

           "Yes," answered Legolas. 

           "Then healing him is of great importance. Lay him on the ground."

           Legolas did so, and Laurelin stepped down from her throne and knelt over the small hobbit. 

           Laying her hands on his chest, she said, "Eus yram a m'I, em ta kool..." Her hands began to glow white, and soon the light spread from her hands all over Frodo's body. "Siht gniyub er'ouy eveileb t'nac i..." she chanted. The light grew brighter and brighter, and soon Frodo began levitating in mid air. "Htaed lufniap a eid ot gniog ma i..." The light soon grew so bright, the other hobbits and Legolas shaded their eyes. Laurelin began to yell. "Lufniap s'ti lacinonacnu os si siht! Em setah enoyreve! EID!" The light grew dim, and Frodo lay on the ground once more.

           Everyone held their breath. Frodo's eyes flickered, then open. He sat up. "Where am I?"

           Laurelin smiled. "You are in the woods of Lothlórien."

           "Where is Lady Galadriel? And Lord Celeborn?"

           "They are not here. I am their daughter."

           "No," said Celebrían, standing up. "_I_ am."

           "What are you talking about?" asked Laurelin. "I am their only daughter. My own father and mother would not lie to me."

           "Of course they wouldn't," said Celebrían. "But you're so thick, you ignore the fact that _I_ ever existed. And your stupidity is contagious." She motioned to the hobbits, and to Legolas. "So," she continued, "I must kill you."

           And with that, she sliced off her head.

**_~~~~~_**

****

**_Mary Sue #3: The Daughter of Elrond_**

****

Much later, Celebrían was back in Rivendell and enjoying a nice walk through the valley. She didn't notice anything was wrong until she leaned casually against a cement pillar and immediately jumped back up.

           Being an elf of Middle-earth, Celebrían wasn't accustomed to the rough and un-majestic look of the cement. "What happened to all the stone?" she asked herself.

           And then she blinked. And then she realized.

           Rivendell was once again under the siege of a Mary Sue.

           Celebrían stormed around, looking for Elrond. She finally found him strolling on a nameless path next to a young elf with dark hair that fell nearly to her waist. Her emerald eyes glittered in the light and coordinated perfectly with her dark purple dress. One under her spell would find her beautiful. Celebrían instead shuddered in disgust. 

           Elrond began to speak. "My daughter, I am worried."

           "Why is that, father?" said the Sue.

           "The One Ring has been found. Gandalf has told me that a hobbit is carrying it to Rivendell."

           "Oh, my!" said the Sue. "What are you going to do?"

           "I don't know, Norianna," said Elrond. "I suppose I will hold a council, where we will decide what to do."

           "Will I be allowed?" Norianna asked.

           "I suppose," answered Elrond. "You are wise, and just as strong as many of the warriors who will be attending. Perhaps you can give us some insight."

           Norianna nodded solemly. "I will do my best."

           Celebrían didn't get a chance to kill the wench until much later, when Frodo and the other hobbits had arrived, and the council started soon after. She waited in a tree as Elrond began to speak.

           "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old... you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor." Elrond's voice was becoming strangely over-dramatic. "Middle-earth stands on the brink of destruction. You will unite... or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this _one doom_.

           "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

           Celebrían watched as Frodo brought the Ring to the center of the council. It hadn't taken her long to realize that this wasn't _exactly_ how the real council had taken place. Then she remembered it was a Mary Sue, and stopped caring.

           "It is a gift!" said Boromir, standing up as Frodo got back to his seat. "A gift to the foes of Mordor! Long has my father, the steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay, by the _blood_ of our people! Give _Gondor_ the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it _against_ him!"

           "You cannot wield it!" said Norianna, who was quiet no longer. "None of us can! The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master!"

           "And what," said Boromir, turning to Norianna, "would a woman know of this matter?"

           "This is no mere woman!" Legolas said as he jumped up. "This is Norianna, daughter of Elrond. You owe her your allegiance."

           This was bad, even for the movie, though Celebrían didn't know one existed. Why Boromir owed Norianna his allegiance, no one said, but it must have made sense to the rest of the council, for the topic was soon changed.

           "Norianna is right," said Gandalf. "We cannot wield it."

           "It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came," Elrond said, sinking back into his dramatic tone. "One of you must do this."

           There was silence. "One does not simply walk into Mordor," said Boromir quietly. "It's black gates are guarded by more then just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great _eye_ is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe," he sat up and took a deep breath to add to the effect, "is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this! It is folly!"

           "Have you heard nothing my father has said?" yelled Norianna again. "The Ring must be destroyed! If none of you are brave enough for this task, I will take the Ring to Mordor!"

           Celebrían had been twiddling her thumbs during Boromir's spiel, but nearly fell out of her tree when she heard this.

           In fact, she did fall out of her tree, (so much for the gracefulness of the elves) right into the middle of the council.

           Standing up, Celebrían pointed her sword at Norianna. "You," she said, "Are straying from reality more then any Mary Sue I have seen since coming back to Middle-earth. I only have one daughter, Arwen Undómiel. I would not, in a million ages, name my daughter Norianna. The rightful Ring-bearer is Frodo, son of Drogo," Celebrían motioned to the hobbit. "And so now, I must kill you."

           And she did, with a quick swipe across Norianna's throat. The council members vanished, and only Elrond and Celebrían were left.

           Elrond surveyed the scene. "Oh, no," he said. "Not another one?"

           Celebrían nodded. "And hopefully the last."

           Too bad the Universal Laws of Comedy had to kick in.

**_~~~~~_**

****

**_Mary Sue #4: The Not-So-Innocent  'Adopted' Daughter of Elrond_**

****

           The next morning, Celebrían was enjoying wonderful meal with her family, her first since returning to Rivendell. Slaughtering 'Sues hadn't left her with much time. She took a bite out of a juicy red apple and closed her eyes in bliss. Lembas were good, but on the long journey from Lothlórien to Rivendell, they often got tiring. 

****"Who picked these apples, Elladan?" Celebrían asked, opening her eyes. But when she did, Elladan was not there, nor Elrohir.

           "Who are you talking to, mother?" asked Arwen.

           "Elladan... Elrohir..." Celebrían said quietly. "Where did they go?

           "Love, who are Elladan and Elrohir? Are you sure you're okay?" 

           "Huh?" Celebrían raised her eyebrows at Elrond. "What does 'okay' mean?"

           "Maybe you should rest, Celebrían," said a red-headed elf sitting beside Arwen.

           Celebrían glared at her. "Who, may I ask," she said, "are _you_?"

           Elrond looked at his wife in disbelief. "Why, that is Alex. Maybe you do need to rest, Celebrían. She's been living with us for years. She's the last surviving elf of the Benzoate Realm." He turned to the red-headed elf. "Alex, will you please escort Celebrían to her room?" Elrond turned back to Celebrían. "Get some rest. I think all the traveling you've been doing has gotten to your head."

           Celebrían sighed and gave in. At least this way, if she could get the Sue alone, she might be able to kill her without having anyone getting in the way. Alex took her by the arm and led her down a hallway, one that did definitely _not_ lead to her usual chamber.

           Once they reached the door of a chamber that was definitely _not_ hers, considering it was absolutely free of weapons of any kind, Celebrían turned around and prepared to throttle the Sue before she could ruin canon anymore.

           But instead, Alex shoved her into the room and closed the door. Alex began to laugh evilly.

           "You could fool the other Sues, but you're not going to fool me," said Alex coldly. "_I_ happen to know what's going on. I would. I sent them all."

           "No you didn't," said Celebrían, rolling her eyes. Mary Sues _always_ had to be dramatic.

           "Well, you're right," Alex said. "I didn't send Nippy...eller...tay... or whatever. But when you came back to Middle-earth, I sent the rest to discourage you from staying. I figured if you were bombarded by so many, eventually you would give up and go away." She grinned. "But just killing you is going to be _so_ much easier. And quicker, too."

           "Indeed, you hate me," replied Celebrían, not really buying what the Sue was saying. "But why? Are you pining for Elrond?"       

           "Well, DUH," said Alex in a horrible valley-girl voice. "He is like, so yummy!" She snapped out of her phase and looked evilly at Celebrían once more. "But enough of that. Now I get to kill you! What fun."

           Celebrían looked around and blinked. "And how do you plan to do that? There are no swords, axes, maces or bows to be found in this room."

           "I don't need _weapons_," said Alex. "I'm a Mary Sue. I gave myself special powers."

           "Ai, Eru," Celebrían sighed. "What are those Sues going to think of next?" she said.

           Well, she would have said it, except before she could; she had to dodge a bright blue bolt of lightning emanating from Alex's fingers.

           The red-head laughed evilly. "You can never escape from me, Celebrían!" She began to yell, "I HAVE SUE POWERS!"

           And then Celebrían jumped out the window.

           Alex gave a very modern "D'OH!" and leaped out after her, chasing her in and around the buildings of Rivendell, randomly shooting bolts of lightning at her whenever she felt like it.

           After jumping out three windows, off a balcony or two (or three), and knocking down five doors, Celebrían finally managed to find a blade. With one quick swipe, she cut off Alex's hands, who screamed and writhed on the ground, in obvious pain. 

           Celebrían smirked. "Now what are you going to do without your precious finger-bolts?" But Alex stood up again.

           "Who needs hands?" Alex said. "When you have laser vision?" Red beams came out of her eyes, disintegrating the statue next to Celebrían.

           "Oh, this is really getting tiring," said Celebrían, and she cut off Alex's head.

           But even that was to no avail. The head regenerated, still grinning that perfect, flawless Mary Sue smile.

           "Elves are immortal," she said. "We can't die. You didn't forget _that_, now did you?"

           Celebrían shook her head. "Do you not understand? Elves can die in battle, or from grief."

           This caught Alex off guard, but she came back. "Who said I was an elf?"

           "You. Just. Did," The Lady of Rivendell was getting more and more annoyed by the second.

           "..._but_," Alex countered. "I'm not just any elf. I'm from the Benzoate Realm, remember?"

           "How could I forget?" said Celebrían. "It doesn't sound like an Elvish name to me. And neither does Alex."

           "That's because Alex was my name when I was a pimply fangirl. Or, at least, what I wanted my name to be. And..." she paused. "I got Benzoate off a pop can."

           "Pop... can?"

           "Oh, forget it!" Her eyes glowing red, Alex prepared to shoot some more of those ridiculous laser beams at Celebrían. But something stopped her.

           "My eyes! THEY BURN!"

           Apparently, Alex's new head wasn't equipped for laser beams. Celebrían watched, amused, as Alex's whole head began to glow redder and redder, until it eventually exploded into a messy pile of gunk on the stone floor. 

           Celebrían smiled happily and made her way back to the dinner table to finish her breakfast. When she returned, Elladan and Elrohir were back, and the rest of her family acted like nothing had ever happened.

           Alex never again "graced" Rivendell with her presence, nor did any of her Mary Sues.

           Now, Celebrían finally could relax and spend more time with Elrond. Or so she thought. Unfortunately, Alex was not the only pervy Elrond fancier...

~~~~~

Wheeness! That was fun. Special thanks again to Lothí, who is so much more of a Tolkien expert then I am, for beta-reading. good 4 u!!!!!! u get a kooky!!!!!!!!!! 

Anyhoo, please feel free to shower me with praise and cookies.

Actually, you can _flame_ me for all I care. Do what you wish, and don't forget to wipe your feet. 

Why? I don't know. But wipe your feet!

~ Cel


End file.
